Wednesday, 4 November 2009

The British blame culture sucks. FACT!

Hi guys how goes it?

Today's rant is the blame culture or more aptly titled:- Do as we say, or your all dead!

Britain is well and truly screwed. There, said it. That has nothing to do with the subject in hand, but just felt like mentioning it.

We live in a country that when 25 years ago, if I fell over in the playground at school, would pick myself up, dust my knees down and go skipping off somewhere else to play. If required a plaster would be issued, and an ear-aching about how I had scuffed my shoes after only a week, and a patch onto my trousers, by my lovely mum.

Not in today's schools.

If my daughter falls over in the playground, she would get taken back into school, for a complete check-out by the school nurse, and a letter would be issued home with her, on council headed paper, stating what had taken place, what injury my daughter had not got, and what action to take should she get a slight head-ache. When asked about said accident, my precious daughter will merely reply with "I dunno, I fell over".

That shows you how far the blame culture has fed fear and paranoia in this country. I mean, its just getting ridiculously out of hand.

If you trip over a paving slab on the street, you can sue your local authorities for thousands of pounds. Never mind the fact you were too busy texting on your mobile to look where you were going. When was the last time you saw a dog catch its heel in a drain, or trip over a man-hole cover?
Me neither.

Its all beyond me. And I blame American culture namely for it. First person to successfully sue me for that, wins a complimentary fiver for irony beyond the call of duty.

This is all the reason why Britain is an overweight oaf. Because children are stuck at home behind their Xboxes and PS I love yous (sorry 3's). Its not because they don't want to go out, its just that they have nowhere to go safely. They cannot go to the paddling pool in the park, because its got no water in, in July, in case a child drowns. The swings are tied up by Parky, in case Chelsea falls off and fractures their skull. The see-saw is done in, in case anyone hurts their baby making bits.

Oh please.

Switch on the TV anytime of day, and be subjected to the cackest of adverts:-
"Injury Lawyers for you. Have you had an accident while at work or in the street in the last 3 years?
Betty was walking across the office when she tripped over a stack of paper. She won £7200.00
John was kicking the shit out of the waste-paper basket out of frustration with his boss, and broke his toe. He won £3800.00"
And so it could go on.
And the advert was presented by the bent DS Beech off The Bill.

Seriously, it feels like somebody could sue you for com-pen-say-shun for simply breathing at the wrong time, for theft of air-space.

The American culture joke of "It didn't get delivered on time, so sue me" has been badly lost in translation, and Britain has taken it literally.

You can claim compensation if a delivery van fails to deliver on time. The fact you only ordered it at tea-time the day before doesn't matter.
If blame can be apportioned somewhere, there's money in it.

I heard a tale of a guy who was a bit strapped for cash, so he snuck out under cover of darkness, to dis-lodge a paving slab from the pavement. He then whacked himself with a hammer in the knee-cap, to effect an injury and successfully sued his council for a fortune. He only got caught out, after bragging in his local, and the bar-tender dropped him in it. This may be the reason why most pavements are tarmacked not tiled now.The councils cannot afford the risk.

Somebody tried to sue a council when their car skidded into a tree on black ice. Fortunately common sense prevailed and the guy was told in no uncertain terms to sod off. How the bloody hell is black ice, anybodies fault. And on a country road as well. A motorway would be understandable. Get off your arse and walk comes to mind as well.

I think you will see my point here. Its not about apportioning blame. Its about how shallow Britain has become. Where theres an accident, theres money to be made.

I'm off now to clean my daughters knee up, apply a plaster to it, and send a strongly worded letter to my local council, about how they have failed my child's care miserably, and owe me enough in com-pen-say-shun, to pay off my mortgage.

Mind how you go.

Wednesday, 1 July 2009


Eeeee Ratfans!!!!

Hello, good evening and welcome.

Todays tale of woe and suffering comes to you after an unfortunate trip to my local supermarket!
I currently feel that I may have post-traumatic stress disorder after this!

The scene is as follows:-

One is on his way home after a particularly nasty day at work (of all places).

One is on a packed out bus sweating like a certain recently deceased Mr Jackson in a kiddies Barney outfit.

One is looking forward to a relaxing evening.

But wait! whats this? Its vibrating. Its making funny noises. Ah yes, its a text message from beloved detailing that One must "nip into T****'S for a few items"

"Not a problem" I message back, glad of an excuse to get off said bus.

"What do we require" I add for clarity.

"Baked beans, pasta, pasta sauce, milk, bread, rolls, etc etc" beloved fires back.

"Righto, won't be long then"

Right then, earphones in, jacket in trolley, eyes down for a full house and away we go.

First up, baked beans. One heads to aisle 32 which clearly points out the way for baked beans and various tinned vegetables and other consumables. One quietly congratulates himself for being able to do this sort of thing without having to ask the staff for directions!!!

So, you will imagine my surprise to find myself facing the entire known range of Haribo sweets (inc sour cherries), Cadburyland, World of Mars and various other confectionary manufacturers delights! (Upon which 1 bag of Black Jacks, 1 bag of sour cherries and a bag of Liqourice Allsorts, promptly fell into the trolley of their own volition!!!)

I looked around bewildered in case I really had lost touch with reality. No no, the sign above clearly says "Baked Beans, Canned Tomatoes"

I asked a member of staff where the baked beans were. "Aisle 32" comes the answer. No they're bloody well not, thought I, as Bertie Bassett eyed me up suspiciously through the window of the bag!

I went for another look anyway. Well you do don't you just to get a grip on reality mind. No definitely aisle of heaven there.

I found another staff member, who didn't look like a mutant from a long lost sewer. "Baked Beans?" I enquired.

"Ah yes" comes the reply, "they've moved 3 aisles up to aisle 35".

A thank you was in order. I went up and there they were. On the shelf. Mocking me openly. Right you little buggers, you're coming with me dead or alive! I said to 3 of them.

Whats next? Pasta sauce. Head for the clearly marked aisle 18 bearing the legend "Pasta, Pasta Sauce"?

Not I! Straight to the nearest member of staff:- "Where are the jars of pasta sauce please"

"Aisle 18" comes the answer. Just up there. So Bertie and I did sally forth. Upon arriving, which took momentarily longer than anticipated, due to running the trolley over my foot while avoiding some feral child, who looked like a member of the Hitler youth, I did discover to my amazement that the lad was right! There was the little guy from Homepride sauces in all his glory, and he still looks, for all the world like a dwarfed version of Mr Ben. (cartoon character drawn in pencil not Uncle Ben who is made of rice)

And so it carries on. Finding signs. Heading to the destination aisle. Finding that what I am looking for is at the other end of the store and so on and so forth.

When I finally got to the checkout, it suddenly dawned on me just how much stuff I had picked up along the way. This was not at all stuff that I would normally buy.

And in summarisation folks, there we have it. The whole point of the exercise. The fact that the afore-mentioned supermarket has made an extra £10.00 odd more than I wanted to spend! And also, if they can do that to me, then they can do it to each customer! So the moral of the story is:- Be bloody careful not to end up losing the will to live in a supermarket. You can end up spending more than you bargained for!!!!!!!

Take care and buzzy bye for now


Tuesday, 23 June 2009

Daytime Chat Shows and Society!!!

Hi Friends, Family and Romans!!

Todays rant is the above. Obviously!

What the bloody hell is it all about eh? I mean, there was a guy who came on a certain show, at 9:25am on itv weekdays, with the banner of " I won't go to work until my partner proves she isn't cheating"

What the deuce? This guy as it turns out, is a complete cock! He smokes more grass than is in my front garden! This is the source of his paranoia as you may well imagine! He can't go to work because he is frankly unemployable! His cannabis (no side effects your honour honestly) habit has got him so debilitated, he has minimal brain function, and as the host of said show rightly pointed out, he makes a mockery of all the people out here in reality land, who are seriously struggling to make ends meet!

His "partner" is no better! She was his dealer before they got together! Neither have any self-esteem whatsoever, are lazier than a sloth, and are useless to themselves, each other and society!

And the best bit of all:- She's pregnant with his child! How the bloody hell is this poor kid going to live?
I'll tell you how:- state benefit handouts! Worst thing since the discovery that a method of appeasement doesn't work with dictators (peace in our time, Neville Chamberlain).
Please don't get me wrong. I appreciate the work and child tax credit my wife and I receive each month. And the child benefit. It all helps. But it doesnt come for free, we pay taxes to the government, so its like a refund of tax really. And very grateful we are too.

So, everytime you and I pay tax to the government, it helps to fund the existence of dirty, drug-addled, wastes of space such as these. And the social work dept won't get anywhere near the kid, and the kid will end up dead, through neglect, through selfishness of the parents, as the money for the kid will be spent on drugs.

I really wish this were an example of extreme circumstances for 2/3 people to live in. But as we all know, it's not. This is an everyday situation for folk up down the country. This is an ever-growing part of modern society, and its bloody sickening, to think that innocent children are being born into this.

There are areas up and down the country, which are almost holding pens for exactly this type of programme, Easterhouse and Possil in Glasgow, Paisley, Brixton in London, anywhere in Liverpool etc etc.

And yet we all wonder where its all gone wrong for society. Is it the governments fault, is it the education systems fault, is it the welfare systems fault. It is all of these areas fault, but the biggest fault lies with ourselves. Because as a nation and as a modern society, we've lost a key element of human nature and community. And thats caring about each other.

So please people, next time you see some extreme life portrayed on daytime chat shows, the news, read in newspapers, don't just sit and tut about how awful it all is, make a stand and do something. If not for ourselves, then for the babies that are born into all this.

Anyway, I will be back on this blog, with some much more fun stuff next time! Until then, take care and God bless.

Wednesday, 10 June 2009

The Election (yawn yawn)!!!

So there we have folks. another week another load of political garb!

Margaret Beckett (former Foreign Minister) is to stand for speaker. This comes as little surprise, as she is not known for keeping too quiet as it is.

Gordon Brown is now trying to get a load of changes made in the voting system for the electorate, probably in an attempt to rig it better before the next general election, which people, may not be too far away, so prepare for the usual load of lies to come winging its way through your postbox, e-mail inbox, falling out of newspapers, sitting on the counter at the take-away and distracting you as you are driving! Which of course is less distracting than a mobile phone, as we know!!!!!

Give it a few days or so and the Liberal Democrats will be positively wetting themselves in anticipation of helping Brown to get the reforms through!

The BNP leader Nick Griffin gets a "You're not on the list mate" from the Palace garden party, and pelted with eggs all in the same year! How unlucky are some people??!!

Now on to the main rant of today for most people inside the M25 ring of evil:- The London Underground staff walk-out.

"London in chaos", "London gripped by tube walkout",
"It's quite irritating because I might have to take tomorrow off work if it's going to be as bad as today," said administrative worker Phoebe Wood, 24, who took an hour longer than usual to get in to work. (courtesy Yahoo news)

An hour longer? An hour? Bloody hell, these people have never had to travel in Glasgow on a packed 62 bus on the day of a crucial Old Firm match between Celtic and Rangers. And that is made worse when at Celtic park, as this is on the 62 route! Not pretty I can tell you!

As I mentioned on my good friends facebook status:- "Strikes, weather, what else can cause London to grind to halt, that wouldn't make the blindest bit of difference anywhere else?"
To which was replied "Boris Johnson" but thats a different rant for a different day!

"Adam Tibbalds, a 38-year-old banker, said his journey to the Canary Wharf financial district via riverboat had been delayed due to the sheer number of passengers waiting to get on board.
It does come across as a bit greedy at the moment to ask for a pay rise when every body else is taking pay freezes. I think they have misjudged what the public opinion of that might be," said Tibbalds." ( courtesy Yahoo news)

All I am saying to that is - Pot, Kettle and Black.

And now I leave you with news that 43% of people who currently have no home computer or internet access, would not want it even if it was free!

WALES :- "Students and researchers at Glyndwr University, Wrexham, have developed an intelligent kitchen to help those who have Alzheimer's disease remain in their own home." (BBC news)
Whats it gonna do? Lock and bolt the doors and windows until they have braved the inferno to turn the oven off?

SCOTLAND:- "Customs stopped stun gun import" (BBC news)
I wasn't aware Scotland had any form of border control! The border line was only theoretical in my understanding!

N.IRELAND:- "Incinerator vote may be invalid" (BBC news)
What? No equal voting opportunities for public incinerators now? What kind of a monster has the UK turned into?

ENGLAND:- "Mother 'claimed child is possessed'"
Oh quick, someone fetch a priest! Another child turning into a teenager, mis-understood to be under the influence of Satan!

So there we go friends. Thats my round up for today. Hope you all enjoy the England v Andorra match and catcha soon.


Sunday, 7 June 2009

Hello, good morning and ....... welcome!!!

Well hello, come gather one and all, for a round up of whats happening in my world today!

First up, we do of course have the steam-roller domination of Brawn GP, and one Jenson Button in F1. About time too, that the underdog team have their day. Simtek, Forti Corse, Lola and many others come to mind but most prominently Minardi. The chappies that lovely though they were failed to qualify, more often than they did qualify!

Next up, we have a round up of the news in brief:-

Abbey, Alliance and Leicester and Bradford & Bingley (savings) are all to be under one banner "Santander". This spells trouble. Thats trouble spelt COMMUNISM.

The BNP (British Nazi Bastard Party) fortunately failed to pull as many seats as they were hoping for. Unfortunately this may have been due to a poor voter turn-out, not necessarily cos Britain felt a vote of confidence elsewhere.

Gordon Brown appoints Sir Alan (you're fired) Sugar to the grandiose post of "Enterprise Tsar". A post last held by one Captain James T Kirk but never mind. So presumably being a Tsar, he will be arriving in a knackered KGB spy car, and demanding that an iron curtain be installed in his office.

Peter Mandelson is asking for folk to stop attacking the PM. In a press conference, he was reported to have broken down in tears, and begged between sobs for people to stop being "big meanys" and to just "leave him alone". (Didn't really happen that way, but would have been funny).

After the break, we have news of 16 people killed in a gunfight in Acapulco. Apparently someone went a bit loco?

Ok I'm back people.

Holy cow Batman! The FSA (Financial Services Authority) is to have the voluntary Banking Code scrapped, and have it made compulsory! This puts the customers, into a much brighter future. You will shortly be able to demand much more prompt, timely, efficient service. This will lead to banks having to pull their fingers out, to ensure they fit in with agreed time-scales. This sounds great, when you hear that failures will lead to fines for the banks. Remember though, that the bank is using your money to pay for the fines!

And now for news in your country.

ENGLAND:- A lightning bolt caught a metal pole in a Dorset campsite, somehow conducted across open earth, and set light to a load of caravans! Correct me if I'm wrong but caravans are nicely earthed by the 2 rubber tires on the bottom!

WALES:- Massive flooding in south Wales fails to lead to expected cull of welsh people. Due to modern technology everyone was rescued, said a spokesperson. An eyewitness said "I was just on my way home from the Pot Noodle mine, and I saw all this water everywhere. At first I thought that my 6 year old was having a bath again, but then I realised it was more wide-spread than even he can spread it" "Isn't it?" He added.

SCOTLAND:- The Isles of Lewis and Harris are still very much opposed to ferry crossings on a sunday, between there and the mainland.
Comhairle nan Eilean Siar (Western Isles Council) (like the gaelic?) says it goes agains't tradition. A spokeperson for Calmac Ferries was invited to comment, and was then placed in a huge wicker-man, and burned to a crisp in another of the traditional rituals they have out there!

Northern Ireland:- "Youth charged over town assault" goes the headline on BBC news! Rather sensational headline one feels, especially considering the youth only kicked the **** out of 1 person. Rather disappointing really, considering I thought he had physically beaten up a whole town! That would have been quite interesting to watch on CCTV, a 16 year old bare-knuckle fighting with a brick wall! And the surprise is he wins! Next week he's up agains't Mike Tyson. more on that later!!!!

So there you have a recent round up of national and local(ish) news. Hope you enjoyed reading this folks. There will be many more news and general interest blogs to follow, when I get round to them, so bookmark the page and check back regularly. I promise to update at least once a week if not more.

Dave Barnes